Back when I was nationally syndicated political columnist and a REAL reporter someone was always trying to kill me. It was very exciting, but also terrifying, and mostly I didn’t really care, because I had an opinion and a job to do. We all know, especially now, that opinions are a laughable dime a dozen but these days an opinion can really get you shot in the head.
This has me thinking about all the things I would never ever write about now because I am not ready to die. So here is the list and whatever is inside those little half-smiles us old-school reporters call a parenthesis is NOT an opinion so put away your BB guns.
BEARDS..(Please cut them so they do not land in your soup…We love the fact that you are manly and can grow facial hair but you look like an Irish Setter.)
IDIOTS…(This is a person/persons of low intelligence…Someone who thinks the elections are rigged and that it’s ok to storm government offices and steal documents and parade around with weapons, masks, BEARDS, and the ridiculous notion that you are going to shame people into agreeing with you.)
ABORTION…(Seriously, a bunch of MEN who wear dresses to work tell me and other women what to do with our bodies? No one with a penis has that right. Please worry about global warming, why rich people pay no taxes, and how to feed the starving families who live under the bridge.)
IMMIGRATION…(It might be a good idea for all the border vigilantes and those supporting elitism to sign up with Ancestry.com and see where your roots started to grow. There are ways to take care of this instead of putting people on busses and airplanes and sending them to other states and then laughing about it.)
WINE…(We need more, lots more, so step it up!)
PUBLISHERS…(Sometimes the new best thing is the old thing. And pretty please no more titles with the girl from or the woman from…and by the way, when a girl hits about 16 SHE IS A WOMAN. Also, I am still pissed off that there has to be a genre called Women’s Literary Fiction. Think about all those poor men who have nothing to call their own.THIS LAST SENTENCE IS A JOKE…just in case you are wondering.)
BEER…(We need more, lots more, so step it up!)
CATS…(Kitties are domesticated animals so please keep them in your house and away from the dwindling numbers of birds. Not all humans are domesticated, SEE BEARDS ABOVE, so let them roam freely.)
Well, this is enough for one day and remember, these are not published opinions, so keep your hate mail to yourself or save for SEE IDIOTS ABOVE.
And lastly…it is perfectly perfect if you do not agree with me even though I haven’t said anything.